The Legend Of Johny Guam

Every so often the world is given an enigma that is so entertaining, yet so ridiculous, that we don’t know whether to be thankful or angered for it materializing. It can be some object, invention, or even a person that seems to help in some ways and hurt us in others. Lately it’s cloned meat, where we’re able to produce more meat (and potentially finer meat in the future) that is deemed OK by the Food and Drug Administration; but the thought of eating cloned meat grosses out a lot of people. When they came out with that green ketchup a few years back, as cool as it was for kids, I just couldn’t eat it due to the unnatural color (in my eyes at least). However, the best example I can think of is a man that I have gotten to know over the past bunch of years; a crazy old man from Guam who we refer to as Johny Guam.

I met Johny Guam during my first full Summer of working construction for my neighbor’s company, back in 2003. I had bumped into him on a few small jobs I was hired to due prior to this time, but I had never actually worked with him or talked to him before this particular Summer (a Summer I feel was my favorite as far as work goes). My friends Steven Karabinchak, Mike Curtin, and I were hired to work the whole Summer, and had already worked for about two weeks when we were sent to a new job site; the Middlesex Library. We arrived at the place; it was a nice day and we were excited to see our new surroundings and meet some new people. Jeff and Bill were the two adults who had been in charge of us on the other jobs we had done, and they made sure to introduce us to the rest of the crew. For us, it was like walking into a new school for the first time, you’re excited but extremely nervous, and when a strong island man came walking up to us, it was more nerves than excitement.

“This is John guys, though we call him Guam since he’s from the island,” joked Jeff. “Don’t bother talking to him though, ‘cause he doesn’t speak English; right Johny?”

The gray-haired man with the tanned skin and gray moustache just stared at us. His huge muscles intimidated me to the point where I felt like I was Little Mac going up against Mike Tyson in Punch Out. I think that’s the best way to describe Johny Guam actually, a man who looks as if he would be a character in the old Mike Tyson’s Punch Out videogame for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Suddenly, Guamy smiled, revealing a few missing teeth along with a bunch of other crooked teeth, furthering his comparison to a videogame character.

“Yeah,” grunted Johny.

Guamy walked away smiling while Jeff took us to meet the rest of the guys. Johny’s smile made him seem much kinder than we first thought, which put us at ease, but the fact that he didn’t speak English was going to make it hard for us to get to know him; or so we thought. We had been on the new job for a good hour, and while Curtin and I filled the big bin with wood scraps and other garbage to bring out to the dumpster, Steve was sweeping. Steve’s sweep job, however, was terrible, as he’d sweep over piles he had made, actually making the floor dirtier than it had originally been. Curtin and I just shook our heads knowing that we were going to have to do Steve’s job as well when we got done with the harder work we were already doing, but then Johny came walking over, shaking his head at Steve and laughing before he spoke.

“Shteebie (I spelled it like he said it), what are you doing?!”

WHOA?!!!! He just spoke in English? We were amazed. Being the morons we were, we actually believed Jeff when he told us that Johny Guam didn’t speak English, so we had gone over an hour in his presence thinking he wouldn’t be able to speak to us. As embarrassing as it was, it made all three of us burst out into laughter. Though he had a slight twist to his speech, the man from the island of Guam spoke English just fine, and we were glad. Johny showed Steve how to sweep properly, though Steve would continue to do it wrong for years to come, and we got to know and love the Guamanian (it’s a made up term…I think).

Johny taught us that when someone was in the porto potty, that we were supposed to toss rocks at it to annoy the guy inside, so we learned to do so like nobody else. Johny would always be very cautious when going to the bathroom since he knew he had created monsters in us, but one day he didn’t see us behind the dumpster and we had him. Once he closed the door, we began pelting stones at the small, plastic structure, until he immediately jumped out and chased us. Our Summer of work would pretty much go on like that, in fact, it still does to this day, and we’re very lucky to have met this monstrosity from the tiny island of Guam. Listen, we always get the jobs done, and done nicely, but why not have a little fun while doing so, and that’s what Johny brings to the table (as do Jeff and Bill). While there are many stories of Johny Guam, I have decided to tell them separately when I feel the time is right, as most of them deserve their own article. The legend of Johny Guam is a large and ever-growing beast that I was fortunate enough to be a part of at some point. Though the man can be annoying at times, most of the time he is not, and he always gives us a good laugh. Johny Guam is a good man who made work fun for us, and I’m more than happy to call him my friend.

If you have any questions or comments for G.K., email him at GK@LostYouthNation.com, and be sure to check back here next week for another random article from his unpredictable mind.