The Legend of Deer Hunter G.K.
I’ve been told over the years that I’m one of the most awkward kids people have ever come to know. At first one might feel that I’m being insulted, but upon further review, I realize that that’s precisely why people seem to swarm to me. The uncanny energy that I exude tends to suck people in, almost as if they’re baffled as to how someone could be so random; then, before they know it, they can’t get enough of good old G.K., and I simply love it. Besides my enigmatic force drawing people in, my very irregular stories often have people on the edges of their seats. How does one man go through so many crazy adventures? Well, I honestly just do a lot of stupid stuff, especially when I was growing up; I was quite the active young lad. Anyway, one of my most popular stories is that of me facing off against my dreaded rivals, the local deer.
It all started one night when my friends and I were quite bored and decided to partake in some random act of idiocy. We were chilling outside my friend’s house, when suddenly we spotted a deer. Before we knew it, we were all chasing it down, in hopes of, well, catching it. We chased this bastard for at least 30 minutes with no luck and then lost track of it. Defeated, we began to return to headquarters broken men (well, boys at the time), until we came across a local playground. We saw a pair of evil eyes staring back at us near the swings; it was the deer! We agreed to split up and attempt to get a two front attack going. Both teams crept up slowly, but the deer recognized our presence and soon came sprinting towards the other team. It looked like our dual attack was going to work, but just as the deer came close to the other team, they got out of the way in fear of being completely mauled (I would have tackled the thing myself). It seemed like our long journey had come to an end, but our team refused to give up and continued pursuit, which motivated the other team who joined in our chase.
Our relentless attempts had worn the deer out and it seemed as if we were actually gaining ground on it. We began to run along this uneven section of ground, which was a bit hard to keep your balance on. The next thing we knew, our friend, David, started yelling “WHOA,” and it suddenly felt like time went into slow motion as he tumbled to the ground with all of us putting our hands on our heads, letting out prolonged cries of “NOOOOOOOOOO;” it was quite the sight. As David fell, so did our dreams of catching our very own deer. We continued on the path we had been running on, as it would eventually bring us back to our friend’s house; it was a very painful, demoralizing walk. Then, all of a sudden, we stopped as we noticed that the deer was standing not that far from us. It looked back as if to say, “catch me if you can, douche bags,” which pumped us up and we, once again, continued our chase. Not even a minute into our resurrected hunt, we cornered the deer. There was fence behind it and we circled around its only other paths of escape. Each of us inched closer wondering whom the deer would sprint at to get away, most likely with me being the only one hoping that it chose me. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the deer jumped 15 feet in the air, over the fence behind it, and without a running start or anything. We stood there in utter disbelief and tipped our caps to the deer as it truly earned the right to safe passage.
A year went by and my friends gave up on chasing deer, leaving me alone in my epic quest. One winter, I found a dead buck laying at the bottom of the hill I usually snowboard on, and being the jerk I am, I placed my boot on the body and yelled to all the deer that this was my victory and that I was coming for them. Eventually, around springtime, the body had decomposed, leaving only the antlers of the buck behind, which I raised in the air as if they were my trophy or championship belt. Ironically, the next day, the antlers were gone, forcing me to believe that the deer had been angered/insulted by my gesture and had taken them away to avoid such future celebrations; I now knew that I was the most wanted human in the land of the deer, and I embraced it. However, I didn’t know there would be so much animosity towards me, and my life was honestly in danger.
It was a cold night and I was walking back from Lost Youth Headquarters; it was about one in the morning at the time. So, I’m lollygagging down the street, thinking about whether or not I wanted to end the night with a bowl of ice cream when I arrived home, when I began to feel as if somebody was following me. I took a few more steps, stopped, and realized that they weren’t footsteps I was hearing behind me; they were hooves! I turn around to see a giant buck trotting in my direction, so I begin to walk a little faster; I wasn’t in any condition for a fight and had my Playstation 2 in my backpack, which I obviously didn’t want to get smashed. Before I knew it, the damn buck begins to sprint in my direction, so I join in and sprint as well, weaving through all the telephone poles and trees I can in hopes that it might crash into one. I finally got to my front door and entered my house, just barely escaping with my health still intact.
This Summer I was running with my protégé, Smalls, and we had just finished our three-mile run and were going to do our hill sprints. As we arrived at the hill, we spotted a deer staring us down. You could see the bloodlust in its eyes, smell the anger on its breath, and feel the murderous intent of its hooves, but we weren’t scared. We began to step towards this punk of a deer, and it tried to come towards us, but soon realized that it had no shot at beating us and ran away like the sissy that it was. We yelled to it to bring all the friends it had the next day for a rumble, but it never showed; coward. Smalls looked at me and asked why deer hated me so much, and after telling him the story, he decided to join me in my battle; it was nice to once again have an ally in this war.
This past fall I was handing out literature for some election with my friend, Conway, and we were in our area when Conway yells over to me to watch out; I look behind me and see nothing. He yells to me again, and once again, I see nothing. He yells at me for a third time and I start to get mad and angrily turn around once more; however, this time one of the biggest bucks I’ve ever seen is sprinting towards me at full speed. It had been months since the last attack, and I had forgotten my deer fighting arts, so I decided to step behind a stop sign in hopes that it would at least soften the blow a bit. The buck got within five feet of me (literally) and suddenly skidded to a stop, grunted at me with drool running down its mouth, turned around and ran away. Conway and I just laughed as I had obviously frightened the evil creature with my outstanding reputation; it clearly realized that I was too much to handle and thus sprinted away like the coward it undoubtedly was.
The most recent attack on my life happened not too long after the previous incident. I like to work out, especially when it comes to running, but I enjoy doing so early in the morning. It was about four in the morning when I went out to do the longest jog of my life; a 12-mile jog to be precise. I’m on my middle miles, and it’s still pitch black outside, but I thought I saw something up ahead. I cautiously jog to that spot and see about seven deer standing in a row, staring me down as if they wanted to rip me apart. I glare over at them as I continue jogging, and the leader of the group turns away and walks the other way with his gang eventually following. Just before that moment, I had run across a mother and her babies, and she was not happy with how close I was to them, and also gave me a dirty look. In the end, they knew that they had no chance against me and probably went to their secret laboratory to come up with a way to bring my life to an end; good luck you recreants!
So, after many adventures (there have been more, I just knocked it down to the few I discussed), I have become a legend amongst the deer community. They know about my epic battles and all the failed assassination attempts on me, and though they fear me, I honestly believe they have gained a certain level of respect for me over the years as well. I still walk down the street and notice a deer every so often, just kind of looking me up and down, as if to say, “you know, you are pretty gnarly (and in the words of Ali G), RESPEK.” They now understand that we had a nice war, but it’s time to move on and show a mutual appreciation for each other. I’m not saying they’re never going to attempt to kill me again, because I’m positive that they will, but at least they’ll let me tread on their lands a bit easier. I’m definitely not giving up on catching a deer either, I’ll hunt them with my bare hands as long as my body allows me to, but I have gained a certain sense of adoration for them and would have their back if any other animal decided to mess with them; like a lion or shark, for example. My legend lives on, and I’m slowly building up an army of deer hunters of my own, so a battle for all times will most likely take place someday, but until that day comes, the deer can allow me to haunt their nightmares; the name G.K. will ring forever in their minds.
If you have any questions or comments for G.K., email him at GK@LostYouthNation.com, and be sure to check back here next Friday for
another random article from his unpredictable mind.
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