Earth! Fire! Wind! Water!... Heart...
One of my favorite shows growing up as a kid was by far
Captain Planet. It was a wonderful cartoon that showed you why cleaning
up the environment was a good thing and even showed you different ways
to do so (the one I always remember is when the Asian girl, Gi, told us
how sea animals, a turtle in this example, could get caught in the
plastic rings that held the 6 packs of soda together and Kwame, the
African guy, told us that if each of us did a little, we could get a
lot done... it sure pumped me up...). So, did this make my friends and
I jump at the chance to clean up the environment? Heck no! Well,
actually, maybe after the first couple of times we watched the show it
did, but we soon realized that the song lied to us. You see, in the
song, it told us kids that we could be a Planeteer, too... that all we
had to do was save our planet... that looting and polluting was not the
way, and that the power was ours. However, after cleaning up our local
parks and streams, the power was never freakin’ ours as no rings with
elemental powers dropped from the sky and into our laps... and let’s be
serious, the only way you’re a true Planeteer is if you have that damn
ring. How are we supposed to fight looters and polluters without any
special powers?! Did you see some of those villains?! They’d surely
kill us, especially if we couldn’t call on Captain Planet when in a
pinch! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know people are going to say, “but the point
was that we should keep the environment clean” but let’s be real for a
minute, we know it was all about those freakin’ rings... Golem said it
best when he called his ring “precious”... that’s what it was to all of
us, and you all know that’s the truth! Then kids started getting those
stupid plastic versions of the ring with the Captain Planet toys,
thinking they were so cool, like that cheap piece of plastic would
bring them powers (OK... I’m just jealous that I never possessed one of
those cheap, plastic rings... I always wanted one and never got one, so
to say I’m a touch bitter is a vast understatement... those things were
so cool!). Now, with the sour taste now out of my mouth (at least until
I watch another episode of Captain Planet), let’s say for a moment Gaea
stopped being so damn cheap and decided to give rings with powers to
all of us who helped clean the planet... which ring/power would you
want?
The first ring/power we’ll
talk about is earth. Now, this is a pretty powerful ability to have as
you can cause earthquakes and stuff like that. Imagine playing a game
of manhunt and wanting everybody to run out from their hiding spots;
just mutter the word “earth” and it’s all over for those guys (or
girls). What if you were in a forest or jungle and couldn’t reach a
piece of fruit in the tree?... that problem is all solved with that
ring. On top of that, you could move rocks and land around, even turn
them into mud, which is great if you decide to start a construction
company of some sort and need to level out the land (or even dig).
Heck, I have a hockey rink for my backyard that I’ve never been able to
use because the ground is somewhat uneven, but with these powers I’d be
playing hockey all winter long (if only!). Also, what if some other
country pissed you off and wanted to start some crap, you could screw
them up with an earthquake at their military bases and what not (a bit
harsh, but, in the words of Lyoto Machida, it’s a possible!). Maybe you
just have a sore back and want a light massage, well, you would be able
to get that by causing a very light earthquake under your bed or
chair... and ladies, ummm... yeah, you could use this power for some
naughty things, if you know what I mean!
Next up is the ring of fire; in my opinion this is the most dangerous
ring of all, but could also be the coolest (or hottest). Oh no! A
blizzard has hit your town and there’s no way to get out of your house
or street because the snow is covering everything and the roads are
awful. Not a problem to those with this ring! You could just burn a
path to wherever you needed or wanted to go (you could also stay warm
in the process)... and if there were some kids on your street that
annoyed you, you could clear the streets so that they still had to go
to school (something I’d enjoy doing... except I don’t currently have
any enemies in the area... one of these days...). On top of that, you’d
never need a lighter for anything as you could start the grill or a
campfire with ease (for those who were boy scouts or would want to
become one, which I wasn’t nor want to be, getting that fire badge
would be rather simple... do they have a fire badge?). There are also a
couple of fun things you could do. First of all, you could become a
super villain to firemen everywhere as you could start random fires
throughout your town, wreaking havoc upon all that get on your nerves.
If your boss happened to fire you, you could look them in the eyes and
respond, “No, I’m not fired, but you are!” as you shot some fire in
their face (is it sick that I laughed while writing that one?... oh
well). And, of course, the most pleasing of all, you’d finally be able
to take a shot in basketball, set the ball on fire in midair, have it
go in and burn the net down while shouting, “he’s on fire!” (one of my
dreams since playing NBA Jam back in the day... if only...).
The ring of wind is one that I know I’d enjoy quite a bit. On a hot and
humid day you’d be able to have a nice, cool breeze come by and keep
you comfortable, you could make your paper airplanes go super far (a
great advantage in elementary school), and you could change the
trajectory of a ball when playing a sport (imagine how fast your pitch
could be, how far your hit could go, or how powerful your shot could
be?!... bring on the multimillion dollar contracts!). However, what I
would like to do most of all with the wind power would be to make
myself look like a super saiyan from Dragonball Z. Getting the hair
would be simple as I’d just bleach my hair as I used to, but with the
newly found wind power I could surround myself in a windy storm, making
myself appear powerful and epic (well, more so than I already do).
Also, I’d be able to fly and could shoot the wind at enemies (it would
be wind ki so to speak). That would honestly be the coolest thing
EVER... but mostly I’d use the power to fly around and get places (a
lot cheaper than flying on a plane... free in fact... and I could
probably go faster, I just wouldn’t get the movie and food... no
baggage check either... but I’d have to hold my bags as I flew... you
get the point).
The power of
water is one that also intrigues me to the max. Now, I’ve never surfed
before, but I’ve always wanted to, so if I could control waves I feel
it would make such a feat much easier to accomplish. I love working out
in the rain, even playing sports in the rain, so to be able to bring a
shower would be quite comforting. Imagine if you simply set up shop in
the desert, the amount of money you could make by providing glasses of
water to passersby would be insane (and they told me I couldn’t make a
living off of my lemonade stand... well, they were sort of right, I
just needed to realize that water stands were where the money was at).
If a field I wanted to play on was wet because of a storm earlier in
the day (and I wasn’t in the mood to play on the soaked patch of
grass), I could simply move the water off the field, instantly drying
it (no more canceled games!). I would be able to make it snow,
completely own any enemies in a water gun fight, and hydrate myself
while working out... the possibilities are endless! Of course, the best
thing would be to simply squirt water in the face of somebody who
annoys you. For example, if they confronted you and started something,
you could just shoot them in the face with water and walk away; it
would be the ultimate insult and at the same time wouldn’t hurt them,
just their ego.
Finally,
onto everybody’s favorite power of all... the power of heart. Alright,
all of my friends and I have bashed this power since the first episode
of Captain Planet aired, but let’s give this ability a fair chance.
There’s no doubt that at first glance heart is by far the weakest of
the abilities, but when I sit back and think about what can be done
with this power, I actually gain a respect for it (WHAT?!). With heart,
you could sense the feelings of others (humans and animals alike) and
even allow them to feel your feelings and hear your thoughts. I know,
sounds weak, but it’s not that bad. For starters, you could talk to
animals, which is pretty damn gnarly... chatting with monkeys and
squirrels (which I already do... well, not with monkeys YET... however,
I can’t understand them... well, not all the time). You’d have spies
everywhere, could have them follow you around and become your crew...
imagine strolling around town on a tiger, playing soccer with a group
of monkeys, or wrestling a bear (who’s not trying to hurt you, but
rather, just sparring)... how cool would that be?! I could even catch a
deer (which, if you’ve read my earlier works, know is a goal of mine)
or even make peace with them (finally...). Furthermore, you could read
the thoughts of others, which is extremely powerful in so many ways! If
you’ve read my article on having powers, you’ll know that reading minds
was a power I wanted, so I’d be ecstatic. I would be able to see who
likes me, who hates me, and could know what everybody was planning on
doing. To be able to pass along my thoughts to others is an
unbelievably convenient bonus as, if I happened to be playing cards
with my friends in AC or Vegas, we could help each other out... this is
also handy in sports, as well as in other events. Imagine messing with
somebody you didn’t like, making them freak out because your voice was
in their head; that would definitely make for some entertainment. So
looking at it from this standpoint, the ring of heart isn’t all that
bad.
So, which ring would I want?
It’s a really tough question to answer, but I’m going to say it’s a
toss up between wind, water, and heart (yes, I actually said heart).
You see, all the rings could be quite dangerous; you could burn
cities/people with the ring of fire, destroy towns/people with the ring
of earth, drown villages/people with the ring of water, demolish
buildings with the ring of wind (tornadoes anybody?), and mess up a
person’s mental states with the ring of heart. However, the positives
of fire and earth just aren’t worth the risks to me, while the other 3
give me great benefits that I’ve always wanted (though I will admit,
being able to say “he’s on fire” after sinking a shot in basketball is
seriously enticing). And I know some idiot out there is going to say,
“well, I’d like to have Captain Planet’s powers since he has them all,”
but that person would just be proving their ignorance. You see, Captain
Planet got his ass kicked by pollution, and in case you haven’t been
outside lately, our world is covered in it. Heck, I live in the
tri-state area and our air is far from clean, so if I had Captain
Planet’s powers, I’d just be struggling to survive everyday life!
Captain Planet often got his ass handed to him and I won’t be having
any of that. Would I love to have all 5 rings? Heck yeah, that would be
rad! But that’s just not how it works. Yes, I would love to steal the
rings from the other holders (which is where heart would come in handy
since I could trick the minds of those ring bearers into handing them
over to me), this way I also wouldn’t have Captain Planet’s weaknesses,
but I wouldn’t be able to do that, I’d feel too guilty. So, yeah, in
the end I copped out and didn’t give a definitive answer to the
question, and it’s not sitting well with me, so I’ll man up and choose
one. It’s so hard to pass up being a super saiyan of sorts (at least in
my head), so wind is really hard to pass up, but as a writer, heart
could read minds and thus is too amazing for me to not choose... whoa,
wait... did I honestly just say that?! Oh, how the mighty G.K. has
fallen... at least it was a surprise (I’d actually probably stick with
wind, I just wanted to mess with you all... or did I?!... only I know
the answer to that one). In all honesty, having any power would be
awesome, but what you’re all missing is the main point here... Captain
Planet lied to us all; the power is not ours, it’s his... he just uses
5 humans to do his dirty work until they’re too desperate and need his
help. So, Captain Planet, in my eyes, you’re no longer a hero, just
lazy and incapable of cleaning up this planet like you’re supposed to.
So, in reality, you don’t bring pollution down to zero, you’re just a
zero yourself! It looks like one ring’s power never got to him...
everybody’s favorite... HEART!
If you have any questions or comments for G.K., email him at GK@LostYouthNation.com, and be sure to check back here next week for
another random article from his unpredictable mind.
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