Johny Guam And The Raccoon

It was a slow summer day at one of the construction job sites. It was a gloomy day outside and we were taking down all the ductwork in the large building we were redoing. I was told that I would be going up on the electronic lift with Greg (The Terminator) and we’d be removing the ducts piece by piece. Johny Guam laughed at me and told me to watch out for all the raccoons that were living in the metal tunnels, that they’d jump out and bite or scratch me if I wasn’t on my toes. I just shook my head and laughed as I punched him in the arm and jumped on the lift, not believing a word he said; even though there were raccoons roaming the building at one point (when we first started working at this particular job).

The Terminator joined me on the lift and we rose to the ceiling, ready to get the job done. We took apart segment by segment and were making really good time when we reached the final strip, which led into one of the steel beams holding the building up. The Terminator and I continued our fast pace and got about halfway done when he gave me a weird look and motioned for me to stop. He says, “Gar, I don’t wanna spook ya, but I think I seen a raccoon over your head just now.” I froze in terror as I realized Johny’s smartass remark earlier had come true, and I was possibly moments away from getting scratched to death since I was on the open end of the ducts. I then heard the raccoon rustling around in the ducts, one section away from where my head was, but it was running away from me, towards the wall, so I felt safe. We continued to take the pieces down when we got to the final 3 and the raccoon became uneasy, as did we. We got it to where there was only one segment left when the raccoon stuck its head out, which forced the Terminator and I to jump down from the lift (which was pretty high up), which brought laughter from that jerk, Johny Guam.

Johny laughed at me as he asked, “what’s wrong Peanut, you scared of a little raccoon? I told you there was one up there.” I could only shake my head as I stared up at the raccoon, which glared down at us, obviously ticked off. I was focused on the raccoon when suddenly something grabbed behind my knee, forcing me to jump away; it was Guamy trying to scare me by pinching behind my knee, which brought laughter from the other 2 guys on the job. I turned around and gave Johny an evil look, as he couldn’t stop laughing. “You should have heard yourself scream like a little girl,” he stated as he continued to crack up and mock my jump; I never screamed but he always seems to add that in no matter who he’s telling a story about, so I just shook my head, a touch embarrassed that I fell for such a simple trick. After the laughter halted we needed to figure out a way to get the raccoon out of the building.

We stood there, looking up at the raccoon, which seemed terrified itself, and tried to figure out a plan to get it down without hurting it. As we worked on a strategy, Johny went around to the other side of the beam, grabbed a large 2 by 10 and yelled to us, “I got it.” Guam proceeded to take the wood and prod at the raccoon, which caused us to yell at him since he would only anger the animal (he wasn’t hurting it or anything, he was just trying to get it to move… but still, it wasn’t smart). I told Johny that he better watch out since that raccoon would come down after him and he just laughed. He left the lumber against where the raccoon was and stopped paying attention when I noticed the raccoon turn to Guamy as if it was about to run down the wood towards Johny, so I yelled to Guam, who jumped, screamed, and ran over to us. As I rolled on the floor cracking up, Johny stood there in embarrassment; I then got up and mocked him like he mocked me, which got a good chuckle out of everyone. Eventually the raccoon ran down the plank and went outside and we got to finish the job, but getting to the finish line was pretty entertaining. It’s a day I’ll never forget, which showed me how girly Johny Guam truly could be; a memory that makes me laugh to this very day.

If you have any questions or comments for G.K., email him at GK@LostYouthNation.com, and be sure to check back here next week for another random article from his unpredictable mind.