Johny Guam And The Rope Snake
In a previous article I introduced the world to an enigma known as Johny Guam. The hilarious man from the tiny island of Guam has cracked me up for years, and continues to do so to this very day. While I have many stories still to come about this individual, I have chosen to tell about the rope snake incident today. This tale is one where Johny worked extremely hard to scare me while my guard was down. His attempt didn’t work quite as well as he embellishes, though I feel he was successful in his endeavor.
It was late in the summer and we had been on this new jobsite in South River for a few days. I don’t remember if Curto was with us on this particular day or not, but Steve was there for sure. Bill, the adult who drove us to all the jobs and was basically our mentor (as was Jeff), had gotten orders to go under the building to lay some plastic down. Now, this was a building that dated back to the 1700’s (at least I think that’s what we were told), so it was old and dirty, and though it had been built up over the years, it was obvious that they hadn’t touched it for over 50 years (easily). So, Bill tells Steve and I to follow him, that we were going under and laying the plastic down together, which we were actually pretty excited about (it was as if a new adventure was beginning). We went to the small door, which even an oompa loompa would have had issues fitting through, and entered the dusty area.
All three of us crawl inside and had just enough room to crouch (barely), which wasn’t comfortable. There was a single light bulb lighting the huge area (the electricians apparently set it up real quick for us), so we couldn’t see much. In the middle was a maze of ductwork, which we found out we had to crawl through in order to get to the spot we had to lay the plastic down on. Out of nowhere, Bill stops us and curses at the ductwork. We ask him what’s wrong and he responds, “You see all that white spray paint on these ducts? Well that means that they used to be covered in asbestos.” Our hearts sunk and we began to feel sick; we were sweaty, had short sleeve shirts on and chose not to wear masks, so we were nervous about what would happen to us. Bill then told us that they spray it in order to prevent it from spreading, so we weren’t in any danger, he just thought it was nasty. Feeling relieved, we continued on our journey.
We wiggled through the ducts, getting absurdly dirty along the way, and finally reached the area. Unfortunately, it was pitch black where we were at, so we yelled through the floor (well, it was technically a ceiling to us) and asked them to cut a hole in the floor so that some light would get through (we were replacing the floors anyway, plus we would later have to dump stone through it, so we were getting a step ahead). One of the workers, Greg (The Terminator), cut a hole and we had a minimal amount of light enter the area (a quarter of the space had no light whatsoever, and the rest barely allowed us to see three feet in front of ourselves). Before we had gone down to the pit, Johny Guam had been telling me to watch out for snakes (I’m terrified of snakes, and he knew it), so once the hole was cut, he yelled to me to look out for all the snakes again; sadly, I became a bit on edge. Bill handed us each a corner of the plastic and we spread it in different directions; it was cold and muddy, not the most comfortable atmosphere to be in.
Steve, of course, couldn’t even drag his end out properly, so I had to go over and help him. Bill refused to be the one to drag the plastic into the lightless corner, and I knew Steve would just do it improperly, so I stepped up and did it. Now I’m embedded in darkness, hoping to avoid any encounters with a snake, when I suddenly feel something jump on my shoulder; I froze, all the color quickly leaving my body. I grabbed whatever had just jumped on me, yelled out “WHOA,” and threw my attacker through the hole leading back to civilization. Bill and Steve were pretty freaked out as well, when we quickly heard laughter from above us. Apparently, Johny Guam had spent a good hour making a rope snake, knowing I would be going underground, and he had tossed it on me when I was enshrouded in shadows. Greg and Guamy couldn’t stop laughing, and at this point, neither could the three of us underground.
We finished lying the plastic down and jumped back aboveground through the hole Greg had cut earlier; I immediately went looking for the rope snake. I picked the devilish creation up and looked at how Guamy had drawn black lines and eyes to make it look as close to a snake as possible; it was actually pretty impressive. I punched Johny in the arm and called him a jerk while laughing; he honestly couldn’t stop his laughter. He looks at me and says, “you should have heard yourself scream like a little girl, you were like, ‘Mommy!!!!’” I just looked at him in disgust and reminded him that at no point did I do such an act, I simply froze, went “whoa” (not even a yell or anything), and threw the culprit back through the hole. The guys had my back, knowing I never screamed or anything, but Johny still tells the story with me screaming; I don’t mind it, it makes everything more humorous to be quite honest, but it didn’t happen as he describes. South River, though a hell job, would leave us with quite a few great stories (I don’t know if I’ll ever write articles about them, but you never know), but the one thing I’ll never forget is that damn rope snake Johny Guam made; it is forever etched into my memory.
If you have any questions or comments for G.K., email him at GK@LostYouthNation.com, and be sure to check back here next Friday for
another random article from his unpredictable mind.
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