The Need For Umbrella Licenses
New York
City is an amazing place that I feel blessed to enter each day for
work. From the buildings, to the energy, to the often-angry people,
NYC has that special something that makes me smile. NYC is my home
and I’m damn proud to say so; however, while walking to work in the
rain the other day, I was reminded of how chaotic things could get.
There are a few things I dislike when in NYC (and it’s never
anything the city itself does, it’s what some of the people do),
but not many are more annoying (to me) than when people walk with
their umbrellas.
Obviously one of the first things you
do when it rains out is open up that umbrella goodness in order to
protect your dome from gnarly wetness. Now, I think it’s silly when
there’s an extremely light drizzle out and people scurry to open
their instruments, as if water hitting them would make them melt like
the Wicked Witch of the West; let’s be real, peeps, that’s not
gonna happen! With that said, I do understand that when the skies
open up and piss all over us (I’m talking about heavy leakage here,
as if someone/something above us had been drinking several of those
double super gulps from 7-Eleven and couldn’t hold it anymore),
it’s a good idea to shield ourselves from getting drenched. At this
point, one should unleash their umbrella to do the job, but umbrellas
have evolved into such absurd and unnecessarily large beasts that
they’ve become more of a hazard than help.
As I
crossed 31st Street and headed down towards 6th
Avenue, after jumping a huge
puddle in the path of the crosswalk, a man came towards me with what
was surely a shelter for a small family. This thing was bigger than
my room and would have been too big for even King Kong had he been
strolling through NY on this wet day. I was honestly shocked until I
realized most of the umbrellas being used were overly big... all I
wore was a hat as the rain was barely coming down at this point.
After getting over my astonishment, I continued attempting to walk
towards my building (which is only a few blocks away from where I
started) but I had to jump into defense mode. People do NOT know how
to walk with an umbrella, nor do they have any umbrella manners. Yes,
peeps, there are unwritten laws of umbrella usage, umbrella etiquette
if I may, and sadly everybody seems to think they’re above the law.
I felt like the frog in frogger, Neo from The Matrix, or Donkey Kong
Jr. in Donkey Kong Jr., ducking and dodging as corners of lazy
umbrella holders’ weapons aimed for my eyes, jugular, and Adam’s
apple, surely hoping to slay me before I arrived at my job, only
narrowly missing their targets. Why should I have to fight for my
life just to reach work?
This occurs every single time
it rains, and I’m honestly sick and tired of battling through this
nonsense, which is why I feel people should have to take a test (both
written and walking) in order to acquire an umbrella license.
Furthermore, cops should be able to hand out tickets to abusers of
the laws, and those who carry an umbrella without a license should be
subject to jail time as if they were carrying an unlicensed gun (the
way some of these people are, their umbrella winds up being more
deadly than a gun anyway). Some of you might be thinking this is
unfair as people will now get wet and that’s just not right in your
minds... “NAY” I say, as there’s a very simple solution for
those unable to wield an umbrella. Remember when you were a little
kid and you wore raincoats (and possibly a rain hat and boots), well,
THERE YOU GO! Problem solved from all angles right there... no more
unable troublemakers carrying a tool meant to keep you dry as a
weapon instead, people still staying dry, and me not fighting for my
life each time it rains... not to mention the possible funding that
can be provided to the city through tickets handed out. I feel I’ve
solved a huge problem with this elucidation and can make all parties
happy... and on top of that, bring back the good ol’ raincoat in
the process! So, let’s pray that my plan gets passed at some point,
making the streets safe on rainy days once more... and while we’re
at it, could we cut down on these ridiculously, and unnecessarily,
large umbrellas, too?! Let’s all work to make this world a better
place... one step at a time!
If you have any questions or comments for G.K., email him at GK@LostYouthNation.com, and be sure to check back here next week for
another random article from his unpredictable mind.
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